Are you listening? Reflect what you’re hearing

One of the things that’s challenging for me in a conflict is to really stay present and continue to be somewhat clear about what’s happening for me. An often underrated skill in conflict is to reflect what you’re hearing – to reflect what you’re understanding of what you’re hearing the other person say.

And that sounds very simple and it’s not something that we always do. If I’ve heard something and I’ve seen something and I believe I know the truth of that something, it’s worth my while to say, “When you said this, or when you did this, is this what you were thinking? Or, “I’m hearing you say (fill in the story) is that what’s going on?” Because I would say a really large percentage of the time, it’s not.

And the whole conflict shifts because you’re thinking, “oh I thought this is what you were doing – I thought this is what you were saying.”

“No, it’s not.”

“All right. Let’s move on.”

It’s a way of checking your assumptions, basically when you’re asking for reflection you’re checking your assumptions.