When I meet dogs I feel very comfortable. But when I meet people my whole body is sweaty and shaking – Especially 400 people that I don’t know. And I also like this nervousness, because it shows me why I’m here.

You know I really care about what you think about me.

Very often people tell me, “You know, Yoram, you shouldn’t care about what people think about you.” But that’s not my case.

That’s what I care the most, which is my connection with people. I love people. If I want or if I don’t, I love people. And there is one more thing that I love which is honesty – moment by moment to reveal what is going on in me. And I can tell you I was not trained in that. I was trained to hide many parts of myself.

For example, 15 years ago I was in a party with friends. And, I was bored, as usual. Because whenever people asked, “Hey Yoram how are you?” I would say, “I’m good. I’m fine.” Which is far from reality.

“Good” in my definition is,
Gloomy,
Overworked,
Overwhelmed and
Definitely not trusting that you would appreciate it if I would share that with you.

And by the way, my definition of “Fine”:
Fucking
Incapable of
Naming
Emotions.

I was not very trained to know how I feel. So, I was in a party and suddenly I had a brilliant idea. I said to my friends, “Hey let’s play a game. Let’s play, ‘Honesty’ game. Let’s say to each other everything that is going on in our head about one another.”

And I was so excited. Finally honesty! And I didn’t understand why my friends were quite reluctant to play this game. But I was enthusiastic enough in order to get them to do it.

Then I said, “OK, I will start.” And then I looked at one of my friends, a girl, and I told her, “You know my friend, I think you are ugly.” That was the end of the dinner. This woman didn’t want to speak with me any more.

So, this is not the sort of honesty I would like to speak with you about today.

A few months later, still 15 years ago, I met nonviolent communication, and through the years I became a nonviolent communication trainer and a mediator. And nonviolent communication is not something against bullying or something like that. Nonviolent communication was developed by Marshall Rosenberg, and it’s a technique for how to help people communicate in a way that is creating more cooperation and compassion.

In nonviolent communication we define two sorts of honesty. One we call “Jackel Honesty” and the other is “Giraffe Honesty”.

The “Jackel Honesty” is basically a belief that me as a human being, I’m capable of knowing, absolutely, what is good and what is bad, what is right and what is wrong.

And if there is one thing that I have learned among the 40 years I’m on the planet is that I don’t know. I don’t even know for myself what is good for myself. And at the same time, whenever people behave in ways that I don’t like – I’m thinking in terms of what’s wrong with them.

So, for example if a friend of mine is speaking more words than what I enjoy. Did it ever happen to you that people speak more words than what you enjoy? So how do you judge them? In your head? Of course you would not tell it to them because we all learn to become nice, polite people.

But in your head there is a “Jackel” party going on. For example, “Oh my god, he speaks so much. He’s boring. He’s abusive. And he really thinks he’s the center of the world.”

And it’s the same thing if my friend is speaking less words than what I enjoy. Also then my “Jackel” voice is very helpful to describe what is going on. It just gives him a different name. “Autist. He has a communication problem. He is emotionally blocked and he needs to see a psychologist in order to learn how to open up.”

Whenever people behave in ways that are not meeting my needs, in the speed of light I’m thinking in terms of what’s wrong with them. And I would consider this language as a complete lie. Or in other words a tragic description of reality. It’s not describing what is really going on.

For example, let’s say there is a book here. And both you and me read this book. And you say, “Wow, this book is really interesting.” And I say, “No, this book is really boring.” What happened to the book? The book kind of entered into an existential question. “What am I? Am I boring or am I interesting?”

And I would say the book is not boring, the book is not interesting, the book is just a book. And at the same time when I say the book is boring I’m trying to describe a certain experience I am having. So, if I were to describe it in “Giraffe” it might sound something like that – in the dialogue with you, “When you tell me now that the book is interesting, I’m surprised because I didn’t find it interesting and I’m curious, can you show me what is it that you find interesting in it?”

It’s very easy when it’s about books. It’s more complicated when it’s about people. If I would tell you that “you are boring” or “you are stupid” or, as I said to my friend, “you are ugly,” what is it that I meant when I said to my friend, “you are ugly?” What was the experience I was trying to describe?

Actually, it took me quite some time realize what I meant by that. And it was actually something about her mouth. And more specifically about how she was moving her mouth when she was laughing. You know these people that laugh all the time and you don’t even know why they laugh? I felt very uncomfortable with her because I didn’t trust that her laugh was honest.

So if I would describe it now I might say something like, “You know my friend, when you are laughing now, I’m feeling a bit unsure because I would really like to understand. Can you tell me what is it that makes you laugh?”

Very often when I start to introduce the Jackel and the Giraffe people start to think, “OK, so the Jackel is bad and the Giraffe is good.

And maybe you would recognize this phenomenon. Let’s say you spend time with your mother and she is doing her thing. And you start to be annoyed. And then you start to think, “Oh my god. My mom, she is so annoying. She’s such a control freak. She’s bossing everybody around. And then comes this one. You know this one? Little Jackel – he’s saying, “Yoram, you are so judgemental. You shouldn’t judge your mother. I call this one, “New Age Jackel.” He’s judging the judgement. He’s thinking that judging is bad.

If I’m thinking that judging is bad I’m falling deeper into the paradigm of the Jackel.

And then comes the poet Rumi. And he says: “Beyond right and wrong there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

When I heard this the first time I was pissed. “What do you mean, ‘I’ll meet you there?’ Like, hey, show me the way how to get there.” And the way how to get there came to me when I heard Marshall Rosenberg say, “Every judgement is a tragic expression of an unmet need.”

Each time you judge or each time somebody’s judging you, is a tragic expression of a vulnerable experience that they are having.

For example, I really like to judge my girlfriend. For example, “Selfish.” I had a fight at work and then I come back home. I want her to listen to me and she tells me, “No, Yoram I am on the computer now. I don’t have time today.”

“Selfish.” And I can tell you whenever I call her “selfish” that’s not making her more available to want to listen to me. So, what is it that I mean when I say that you are selfish?

I will give you two versions of the same message. And just imagine that you are my girlfriend and just listen to me with your heart and notice which version keeps your heart more open to me. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to do what I’m asking you to do, but just that your heart stays more open.

So, version number one: “My girlfriend. You’re so selfish. You just think about yourself. It’s amazing. You just do whatever is important to you.” And the punchline? “By the way, you’re just like your mother.”

And version number two. The same message exactly. My dear girlfriend. Today I had a fight at work and I’m feeling very sad about it. And I really need some help. I wonder, are you available to listen to me today for, let’s say, 15 minutes? And by the way, say ‘yes’ only if you really enjoy to do that – otherwise I have other people who can listen to me.

So maybe you start to wonder what that has to do with education?

In my understanding, schools are there in order to prepare people for life. And in my belief communication is the most important, basic life skill that will serve you in whatever you will do. For example, if you get a job, you mainly work with people. Or if you want to make a family, you even create little people. And then you need to learn how to deal with these little people. And even if you are alone, communication is how you speak with yourself all day long in your head.

I remember when I was at school, I had a geography teacher and he was a very well “Jackel” educated human being. And he gave me a task. He told me, “Yoram, write an essay about Bucharest, the capital of Romania. Now, I was ten years old. In those early days of my life I was not particularly interested in Bucharest. So instead, I was practicing music beats (with my fingers). My brother was teaching me, and I was vigorously practicing. And then the teacher came to me, and he told me, “Yoram, you are lazy. You should start to learn how to take yourself more seriously.”

That was a very confusing message to me because I took myself very seriously. And actually, I was learning a life skill that would serve me later very much when I became a professional dancer and a choreographer and having a sense of rhythm in my body was serving me definitely more than knowing anything about Bucharest.

And actually I feel sad for the guy. If you call yourself a teacher and you think that your job is to be a policeman? I would consider this job as hell.

I believe he would have more fun if he would speak to me in this language: “Yoram, seeing how passionate you are about practicing these music beats, I’m feeling excited because I really would like to support you in it. Hey, how about going on Google and searching for some cool Romanian beats.

In the coming July, we are about to open the first Giraffe school in Amsterdam for children aged 0-21.

Yoram Mosenzon is coming to the 2015 New York Intensive.